Walking out the door and going out for drinks with the kids’ grandparents or a babysitter can be something that makes many parents feel guilty. And it’s understandable, since we live in an age of hyper-conscious parenting, a model where every minute counts and where the leisure of adults without children is often considered an act of selfishness. But it’s actually better than we thought.
We breed more. There is an oft-repeated myth that tells us that past generations were much more present in their children’s lives. But the data says otherwise, as after analyzing thousands of families in 11 countries, including Spain, mothers devoted 54 minutes a day to caring for their children in 1965, to 104 minutes in 2012.
And parents made an even bigger jump from 16 to 59 minutes. Thus, we have never spent so much time with our children, and yet, we have never felt so guilty.
He is getting baptized. This phenomenon has a name, which is intensive mothering. A concept coined by sociologist Sharon Hayes in 1996 and which describes a parenting model that revolves around children, is emotionally draining, effort-intensive and, traditionally, required to be carried on women’s shoulders.
The pressure to fit this mold is so strong that guilt creates anxiety, stress, and a low sense of efficacy even among mothers who intellectually reject this model.
we burn When parenting becomes a long-distance race without a break, burnout syndrome occurs. Burnout of parents, such as may occur at work, and which are related to chronic exposure to chronic stressors of parents.
And we are not talking about something isolated, as it has been seen how countries with more individualistic cultures are more affected by this, with the US leading the way with 8.4%, while Spain remains at 3.2%. Something that should concern us, since the consequences of this fatigue indicate that it has a direct and specific effect on neglect, increased violence against children and thoughts of escape or suicide in parents, even surpassing the effect of chronic work stress on the appearance of relationship conflict.
They are not children. A key to overcoming this guilt is to understand that needing time off doesn’t mean you can’t tolerate your children. Here, a study published in 2016 confirmed that parents report much higher levels of well-being when they are engaged in activities with their children than when they are not, and this does not create rejection. The problem is that mothers in particular tend to accumulate more fatigue and stress than fathers because they have less time for themselves and their favorite activities.
And the solution here is not to have a date night every now and again, but the right thing to do is to maintain a more balanced life where leisure plays a more prominent role.
Picture | Helena Lopes
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